When I first moved into the professional workforce, I recieved quite a shock. Being the low man on the totem pole, I found that I was expected to do menial tasks and enjoy them at which point I thought ‘if I wanted to do menial tasks, I would have become a secretary. I didn’t pay all that money and spend all that time on a college education so I could do something that requires little to no thought and to be a good drone who simply sits in their seat and does what they are told without contributing to the process.’

After that first year, I started another job in which I stayed for a week and a half of training then quit, in part, because the position was misrepresented and required twice as much work as was originally implied. Looking back that was a horrible mistake in some ways as I have been unemployed ever since and struggled as a result. But my mindset at the time was that there is no job that is worth running myself ragged, having no social life outside of work – both of which compromise my physical and mental health – as well as leaving no room for providing my potential children with the mental and emotional support I owe them. My job is nowhere near worth the life that I feel I deserve.

While this is a perspective I feel entitled to have, it could present me with a clear problem. I can’t support myself without a job so if I want to support myself I have to conform to the workforce and sacrifice my expectations which to me often equates to being miserable. This is something that I’ve had a hard time reconciling within myself. I don’t want to be miserable, but feel that it could equally go either way when I am working. You never know until you start a job whether or not it will work for you, but once you have it you’re basically stuck with it for a long time. Which scares me and makes it tough to be motivated to look for jobs, especially with the economy the way it is where I’m not likely to get the job anyway. I don’t want to hate my job – I have to be there too much to take hating being there lightly.

But at the end of the day, I’ve come to realize a job’s a job. It pays you. And being paid is important. So it’s time to put on my big girl panties and just go out there and get one, despite my significant reservations and fears. Maybe someday down the line I’ll have enough experience and a good economy to leverage into something that will be fulfilling.

— August 9, 2011  1:30 AM



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